...apologies, apologies...

The Kare-rock has gone by and I admit, it has gone by without a single help from me. I feel really, really sorry for this... just so darned sorry...

During February 26, my mind keeps asking itself wether i should go or not. All the right senses say I should go, but I guess my other malfunctioning senses prevailed.

For one, I have this unsolved tendency to hide to persons when I haven't done my responsibilities yet. I don't want to show my face to that person becasue I'm ashamed to admit to him that I haven't yet done my responsibilities. I know it's wrong, and I know that I'm not alone in this. It's one of the reasons why I can't send myself in Kare-rock that day. I know I haven't sold a single ticket, and I know that the event will need a lot of money, even if I want to pay for all those tickets, I don't have the resources. I'm ashamed to face them, really.

Also, the prospect of a twenty considered sold Kare rock tickets scares me. i'm not good at selling things more than P50, much more than P175. By the time they announce that those tickets are considered sold, I know that I have to pay for them all... which is impossible.

Then, there's this thing that keeps nagging at me that if ever I go, I'll be the only freshman in there. To face batingaw without the much needed remittances alone...( I had this feeling that I'll be cooked alive with people's wrath in there all alone...)...So in short, I feel cowardly. I know that the same thoughts runs through the minds of other batingawers(new ones), and I know that because of that, they will surely back out of it. Sure enough, all the other block 4 batingawers lacked the guts to attend too.

I'm not proud of what I've done. Somehow, I feel like I lack the capacity for theater life--talent and all. The previous responsibilities scared me, and I'm ashamed that I backed out so easily. I could have tried harder. One thing or another, I could have done something. But I didn't.

So sorry...as if my apologies will change a thing...

No justifications, I know I acted cowardly and I was irresponsible...maybe selfish too...

I won't even say that I did my best. Whatever I did, it's not the best I could have done. I really sorry for it, i truly am. I really have this bad habit of procastination too... it keeps on messing up things for me...

I'm so sorry...

Last Rays

"...you're right. In terms of friendship, you suck..."

-Aira
The Last Rays of a Dying Sun



This applies to my imagination as it does to the real world... really.

What I could have written in here could have made my blog a real blog but I on't know... due to some personal restraint or just avoidance of something i am not in need of, I won't directly say things. It's not me to simply shout things out anyway. If you have a problem with that, i don't really care. It's good to finally found some things to say anyway.

For some reasons I could not exactly point out, I found out how fragile and so darned unreliable friendship could be. This, ofcourse, applies only to some situations and people. So let me rephrase that... Friendship to some people can be so fragile and so darned unreliable. There. That's better.

I actually salute those people who already found their "true friend/s", and actually made it through all problems, emotional or otherwise. Atleast they know that they will never feel alone.

Now, for me, I will neither say that I have no friends nor that I have not found any true friend in my darned life. To say that would be ungrateful for those people who have stood by me in the past(and present), and showed me what a true friend can be. But as of now, away from everbody else, I have this feeling of being isolated, neglected, left in mid-air and the like.

In times like this, I question the value of friendship. I don't know when I started to actually feel like I'm feeling now, but I bet it's quite long been neglected snce I'm whining now. But really, just like Antonio puts it "...for what did friendship takes?..." Does it have to forever understand, stand by the shadow of his friend, do things in all our power for friendship's sake? Is your friend actually worth your pain? Because I tell you, there are friends worth giving your life for and there are friends whose only worth are some trippings. You msy not now it at first, but you'll find out eventually, and too late.

Now ask me. Am I that cold blooded person to even think of throwing away a friendship? I guess i have to say YES. Eventually and with things running this course, I can see a friendship comming to a close. I can't even confide things anymore. I don't know. I wish it won't, really... I'm not that cold blooded anyway. And if it does, I just wish that it will be a gradual process, not something explosive or abrupt.

I've always been a reserved person. Observing but not participating. I'm used in being in the background of things, so I've been thinking if I should really feel neglected. Being in the background is synanymous to being neglected. So, should I feel neglected? Definitely YES.

YES becasue I have a someone professing to be my friend. A friend is someone that accompanies you on your life's journey. (Not in all cases but I know you get the idea.) Then, if you have a friend nearby, amidst strangers, you have a friend for your company. To protect you from isolation/alienation. So I think there's something wrong if your friend is there and suddenly he( btw, I'm using "he" for generalization of genders) too became one of those "strangers" in your midst.

Also, there are times when you and your friend are so close together that you literally became his shadow and your friend shows no gratitude at you, or atleast you don't feel it, there's something wrong with either or both of you. It might be that your friend is insensitive that you are already hurting or your just over-reacting. For my case, it remains a question...

Plus, there's a time when problems arises. Then you'll feel the "lasr resort" person. You know, when nobody else seems to understand, suddenly you became visible to your friend and after doing your "job"(I really don't know if I do my "job" well) and things run smoothly again, you, once again magically become invisible...again.

For the isolation thing, I'm alone now and been alone since...uhhh...I can't seem to remember actually. I don't know if that a good thing or bad... Maybe it's a good thing since I'm actually cramming now and it's yet too early for my standards or bad since I'm feeling this things and I'm actually writing a blog and I don't know if this is the wisest thing to do...So, I guess i have the right to feel isolated.

And lastly, there are reasons why i said that i have this tendency to throw away a friendhip... 'cause you see, i have a tendency to throw away things that do not benefit me at all. Sounds nasty, but it's true. I think most of us do. We keep things when it's usefull to us. It's the same with relationships, and since friendship is a relationship, it applies here too. Everything we keep, we keep for a reason. One of those reason is because it's helping you. In one way or another that thing is helping you. It might be physical, emotional or any other aspects of life. It could be for wrong motives or bad things or it can be for your well being or other's, the bottom line is, you keep it because it's helping you.

Therefore, if a friendship is no longer helping me and just causing me further irritation and money problems( due to my blog entries ofcourse), then i guess it's goodbye for that friendship. This solution, however is in its extremes... when I feel really mean and nasty. But it's not far from truth. It might happen. This is not a threat, I'm not the kind of person to give threats(serious threats, that is), it's more of a probability. I guess that's that. Gotta cram now...Ciao...

Forever Friends

ahhhh!!!!!!!!!

wala akong magawa!!!!!!!!!!! sana bakasyon na!!!!!!!!!!

know what???

nagwall climbing ako!!! sakit sa katawan grabe!!!!!

Happy Valentine's Day...

un lang...